Welcome back to another installment of Hog's Blog. I just gotta start out by saying Holy pumpkin fuck and Cock-gobblin Goblins, I am hung the fuck over from Halloween. Jesus Christ, what is it, Thursday? Friday? Still hung the fuck over. Despite this, I stand by my belief that bowls of candy mixed with kegstands is a winning combination. Mother-fuck, dude. What a fuckin night. I went to some parties where there were sluts, I went to some bars where there were sluts, and I woke up on a couch bed in a cheap apartment next to a slut. I'm Hog slut-fucking McGerk. Get fucked.
But even as we're half-way into the week succeeding The Festival of Sluts, there are still a select few people who are unwilling to part ways with their costumes. If they're sluts, then I have no issues with this. If they aren't ( like the people I'm about to mention) then they should consider moving onto another holiday at least.
To the following players: REMOVE YOUR COSTUMES! SHOW US YOUR TRUE SELVES!
But not you, Martin St. Louis and the rest of the Tampa Bay Lightning! you've displayed quite enough of your true selves! Keep whatever costumes or clothes you have on your bodies at all times! You might be a bunch of gay sluts, but the only gay sluts I like are gay GIRL sluts. The kind of gay girls that make out with each other and then make out with my piggish dong. Then beerglomph* it.
Anyways, I love hockey. I think it's one of the manliest sports out there. It's bone-jarring and bloody. It's malicious and intense. It's instinctive and intellectual (fans and Canada excluded). So Mr. St. Louis, WHY do you have to taint a sport that holds such American ideals by stripping on ice for a pile of your sweaty, cock-hungry teammates?
I do not CARE how pitiful your team has been in shootouts this year. I do not CARE if it's lightening the mood of the Lightning. It's bad enough that group hugs with kissing after goals is still somewhat existent in the sport. So why, NHL, do you allow your perfect concoction of brutality and manliness to be diluted by pussy things like strip shootout and Sidney Crosby? Sigh, i just don't get it. Something's gotta change.
And Manu Ginobli. Not only are you guilty of wearing a Halloween costume for too long, but it's also been over a year since The Dark Knight came out. The whole obsession with The Joker is OVER. So stop killing bats!
Honestly, Manu, as badass as this may have been, you gotta put an end to this. It was mind-numbingly annoying a year ago when every fuckhead in America was uttering "why so serious". Adopting The Joker's mannerisms are still just as annoying a year later. You may as well just buy yourself a make-up kit, green hair dye, apply for a job at Hot Topic, and get used to your good friends mercifully beating the fucking retarded painted red grin off your face. Heath Deadger must be rolling in his grave....what, too soon? Oh fuck you, Heath woulda laughed.
Lets see...what else? Oh yeah. Packer fans will tell you that purple is the most horrendous color any person could wear on not just Halloween, but on any day. Some people may think that Brett Favre has been wearing a costume all year, and I'm in agreement. What's more scary to me, however, is not his perceived Viking costume. It's his "Young Brett" costume. Over the course of the past 2 seasons, I have LOVED taking a shit on Brett Favre. I mean, why not? He shat on himself too, so why's it bad for everyone else? But in 2009, after yet another unbearable "is he or isn't he gonna play" offseason, and after provoking a passionate "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE ALREADY" from across sports nation, I will say this about the fucker now:
Nothing. That's right, nothing. My mouth and my snout are shut. It's one thing to say that Brett is playing at an unforeseeably high level, and that he's reminding the NFL of the Brett of old, but ...I can't even bring myself say that. He's not wearing a "Young Brett" costume, because Young Brett has never had a season like this. Young Brett, despite his success, never threw less than 13 interceptions in one season. Although he would make play after play with unrivaled intangible qualities, he frequently found a set of hands belonging opposing teams. But not this year. Brett is on pace for throwing 32 touchdowns to only 6 interceptions, which would give him the best TD/INT ratio of his storied career. Couple that with being at the helm of a team that possibly wins 12, 13, or even 14 games this season, and you have a guy who's only dressed as one thing. The MVP. Despite all of the offseason drama, and the soap opera he turned the NFL into, Brett has talked a LOT...but has backed it up so far. If the season ended today, Brett Favre is the unrivaled MVP of the NFL. BUT! There is still half a season left to go. So Brett, please. take off your costume, cuz that wasn't fun. I'd rather write about the old miserable redneck fart who throws 22 picks per year in the twilight of his career. Also, you aren't a hot slut for me to put my Pig Benis in. So please, carry on and stop playing dress up....
ALRIGHT! Here are my picks for Sunday!
New England beats Miami
Miami had a season-changing victory over the trash-talking Jets last week (P.S. Rex Ryan, please inform Bart Scott that trash talking usually occurs BEFORE you play a team, and not after you lose to them.), but I don't trust they have another one against a team led by a Bill Belichick that's had 2 weeks to prepare for you. Pats win.
Philadephia beats Dallas
Fuck the power rankings. Dallas doesn't beat anyone notable, especially when it matters. This week will prove no different. Philly's elite pass rush and secondary will force Tony Romo to make great decisions with little time to do so. I'm not gonna hold my breath...
San Francisco beats Tennessee
Chris Johnson will have a true test this week. After Arizona decided to not show up last week against Carolina, the 49ers have replaced them as the leagues top rushing defense, allowing only 3.2 YPC. And I'm sorry....after the abortion of the Titans defense let MoJo go 80 yards to the house TWICE last week...I just don't see them keeping the Niners out of the end zone too often on Sunday.
San Diego beats New York (N)
San Diego's playing confident. Playing the Raiders twice will do that to a team. Eli's NOT playing confident. 7 turnovers and a sub 50% completion percentage over the last 3 games will do that to a (gay) QB. I expect the streaks to continue this week.
Baltimore over Cincinnati
Ray Rice burned the Bengals for over 140 yards out of the backfield last time these teams met. He aint the first RB to kill the Bengals this year by catching the ball. I see this happening again. I also see a talented receiving corps led by a Mr. Eight Five to continue burning the weak Ravens corners. And oh yeah, Carson Palmer is at his peak again, and is 7-3 lifetime against Baltimore. He'll continue to be a thorn in their side. Luckily for Baltimore, their front 7 should get to Palmer frequently and be strong enough to take the weight off Foxworth and Washington's shoulders. The teams only combined for 31 points last meeting, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a shootout in Cinci with Baltimore on top.
Indianapolis over Houston
Joseph Addai loves what the Houston endzone tastes like, and Peyton Manning is gonna give a defense fits, no matter who they are. But if Addai gets going? It's curtains. And with Houston's benching of a struggling Steve Slaton and their loss of Owen Daniels for the year, they just don't have the offensive firepower to match Indy tit for tat this game.
Seattle beats Detroit
Pffffftttt hahahahahahha
Jacksonville beats Kansas City
I'm excited to see what Jamaal Charles can do now that he gets a chance to start. But thats pretty much all that excites me about this. Moving on...
Green Bay beats Tampa Bay
The Bucs are due for a win, but not this week. Aaron Rodgers will take out his frustration from another loss at the hands of Favre on a defense that will not have a prayer.
Atlanta over Washington
Sherman Lewis called for Jason Campbell to hurl the ball 43 times against the Eagles last week, and the Falcons have been prone to allowing quite a few 300 yard passers this year. But of course, none of this matters because the Redskins have no offensive line. Next.
Chicago over Arizona
It's a battle over the Jekyll and Hyde teams! Which will show up? FUCKED IF I KNOW, but I'm gonna go Chicago. Arizona's typically had AIDS against teams not in the NFC West, and an unhealthy Anquan Boldin will not help Kurt Warner's chances of bouncing back from a 5 INT game. I don't expect Matt Forte to have the fantasy game this week like everyone wants him to, despite what fantasy owners with hard ons have to say. There's no way the Cards get stomped on that badly with the ground game. And if they do, it's not gonna be to an overall slumping Forte.
Pittsburgh over Denver
Oh i like this game. I like it a lot. It's just what I like to watch. Hard fought, ugly, defensive battles. They're also the worst games to call. In defensive struggles, only one big play has to happen to separate the two teams. Where this will happen, I have no idea. But I'm gonna go with Pittsburgh because Denver most recently gave a performance about as ugly as their AFL uniforms to a Baltimore team very similar to the Steelers.
UPSET SPECIAL
Carolina over New Orleans
I'll get one thing straight. The Saints are the best team in the NFL, and they will probably win a hard fought divisional game at the hands of their rivals. BUT! Here are some interesting points that ya cant ignore. The productive tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart have started to get on a roll, and the Saints will have a tough time slowing them down with the absense of DT Sedrick Ellis and LB Scott Fujita ("Fujita" pronounced as similarly to "vagina" as possible). Carolina will have to milk the clock with a consistent running game to keep Drew Brees and company off the field as long as possible. Against the Saints, the best defense is a good offense. Carolina's ground game has the capacity to really fuck things up for them.
So yeah, there are my picks. I'm sorry for slacking again. I've been really sick lately(not swine flu, that'd be just too ironic. oink oink.) and also way hungover from Halloween. So to repent, here is a picture and lesson we can all benefit from
Goodnight. I'm Hog McGerk. Oh, I almost forgot.
*Beerglomph (BEER-glomf)
-verb.
The act of pouring beer on an erect penis, succeeded by the act of slurping it off.
"Yeah bro, I got beerglomphed last night...sorry about your couch."
Origin: Pig-Latin.
