I’ve seen a lot of gay shit.
And this goes beyond being friends with idiots most of my life and witnessing the comically outlandish displays of testicles.
I’ve seen a lot of gay shit in the world of football also. Let’s recap a little bit.
I’ve seen Terrell Owens cry at a press conference over Tony Romo.
I’ve seen Giants long-snapper Ryan Kuehl comment on “unbelievable muscle tone” of Jeff Feagles’ ass (Seriously. Youtube that shit.)
I’ve seen Chris Cooley in his booty-huggin’ short-shorts that he sported on his first day of ‘08 training camp. I’ve also seen the hilarious picture of his dick next to his playbook that he “inadvertently” posted online (The Redskins fined him, but oddly enough seemed more pissed that he gave away a page of their gameplan than his indecency).
I’ve seen this video:
And those are just a few of the classics. I saw a couple gay things happen this week alone.
I saw the 49ers defense cover the Rams offense like Siegfried covers Roy's face. In jizz.
I saw Brett Favre blink away tears in a postgame interview with ESPN while trying to convince us that he was never out for revenge(Yes, that’s why you stayed retired after a glorious career in Green Bay and never considered returning to the NFL for an archrival just to shit on a city with a franchise who thought that onesuperbowlandthreeMVPsandtenprobowlsandholdingfiveofthemajorrecordsforquarterbacks
andplayingfor16motherfuckingyearsinatownwhereyournamewassynonymouswithGOD was sufficient, right?....Oh WHOOPS! Yeah, this game meant nothing to you, buddy…).
I saw an obscene amount of the color pink. Alright, alright…..it’s justified. Besides, it’s not nearly as bad as the pink bats that MLB players had to use. OOF.
I saw a QB whose name rhymes with Homo run around like a chicken without a head and with an extra chromosome. (Note to Tony: Champ Bailey is pretty darn good. I wouldn’t toss 13 passes towards him, let alone two on the final drive, and in the red-zone. Jus’ sayin).
And despite all this…despite the distractions of pink colors, crying quarterbacks, and names that sound gay, they couldn’t draw my attention away from the gayest gay in the gay NFL, Eli Manning. Just look at this picture LOOK. AT. IT.
The facial expression looks like he’s waiting for Perez Hilton’s crowded anus to fart a pile of cock into his eager mouth. He looks like he wants to wear Richard Simmons’ balls like a goatee. He looks like he’s fantasizing about semen cascading down his chin and throat.
To further portray my feelings accurately and succinctly, I’ll change the format of this article from “essay” to “dialogue between generic NY Giants douche Fanboy and Pissed-Off but Knowledgeable Rant-er”. Fanboy? You have the floor.
Fanboy: Swallow a cock, asshole! Eli is an elite quarterback in this league, and when he comes back from his injury he’s gonna fucking cum in your eye.
Ranter: Yeah, fuck Eli Manning in his gaping anus. He hurt his dainty little heel this week, probably doing something gay. But unlike Achilles, his heel is not his only weakness. His career passer rating index is lower than Jason Campbell, Joe Flacco, David Garrard, Shaun Hill, and Sage Rosenfels(!!!!)*,just to name a FEW. Average PRI is 100. Eli’s at 94. Elite QB my ass.
Fanboy: You’re just fucking jealous that he beat the best team of all time in the superbowl!
Ranter: HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS? That’s incredible. You really must be an expert. I had NO idea Eli Manning singlehandedly beat the ‘72 Dolphins in the Super Bowl. I better check my facts. That’s remarkable. He must have been a sperm at the time.
Fanboy: *glares*
Ranter: Oh, I’m sorry. You must be referring to the ‘85 Bears then? I mean…Eli wouldn’t have been a sperm, so it’s not as big of a feat. But still, for a 3 year old to pull that off is still impressive.
Fanboy: The ‘07 Patriots, you scumfuck.
Ranter: But of course! How could I forget? You should rephrase your points next time. To be fair, I’m legitimately happy the Giants beat the Patriots that year. Seeing Elisha’s (yeah, that’s Eli’s real name. look it up.) pre-pubescent face next to the Lombardi trophy isn’t nearly as bad as a world where every bandwagon Bostonian loud-mouthed fuck doesn’t shut the hell up about 4 titles in one decade capped by a perfect season. But on the other side of the coin, I don’t recall Eli creating massive running lanes, holding a record setting offense to 14 points, or acrobatically holding onto a horrendously thrown ball to the side of his head with the game on the line. Hey, and what about the would-be game winning interception that Asante Samuel dropped? HMMMM it’s funny how you NY fans seem to forget about that…
Fanboy: FUCK OFF
RANTER: SUCK SOMETHING
*Fisticuffs. End Scene.*
But honestly, it’s unfortunate that Mr. Manning has been subjected to taunting and unfair ridicule. After all, he’s a champion. He triumphantly marched down the field against a stout defense in more than one pivotal point of the world’s biggest game, and came out a true winner. Yeah, poor Peyton Manning.
*Source: profootballreference.com
