If you were one of the thousands who looked at my blog page earlier this week, all giddy with anticipation, only to find no new entry, then I'll make an exception to the aforementioned mindset I've adopted as my own. I extend an apology. It's not because I've been slacking, I'm just new to this whole blogging shit (I mean, seriously. Only n00bs start off essays with quotes). I figured that instead of doing it early in the week, I'll do it later in the week so I can not only recap Sunday's events, but also look forward to the upcoming weekend's games.
Alright, now that I got that gay shit out of the way, I've got a world of shit I need to inform you bastards about. So let's fuckin' talk. I'll start with the fucking good.
THE FUCKING GOOD
Chase Utley is fucking good. Philly fans typically don't show many players the love they deserve, and although this motherfucker has gotten tons of praise in the city he plays for, he hasn't gotten enough. The Phillies have enjoyed an almost flawless post-season with newly heralded contributors such as Carlos Ruiz and Cliff Lee. But still, not enough love is going to Utley. Utley has done just about everything for the Philadelphia sports world except QB'ing the Eagles to a Super Bowl. Oh...Philly's had that happen before? You wouldn't know it from the way they treat their man under center...
(PS...to you fucking loudmouthed ignorant cheesesteak-glomphing assholes: I don't care how many times the Raiders beat you or how many times Donovan calls a "4th timeout" in a half, or claims he isn't aware of overtime rules, don't you ever boo that man again. If having the toughest QB in the NFL (that's right, Brett, I said it) isn't enough for you liberty bell crackheads, then maybe you should demand a trade for Ricky Williams: the man you dumbass Rocky ball-lickers wanted to draft in the first place. How's that name sound now, ya trashy fucks? Think about it.)
So anyways. With a 1st inning walk in tonight's game against the Dodgers, Utley has quietly tied Boog Powell's all time postseason record for longest streak of reaching base. On top of that, he has a staggering .472 on-base percentage and .920 OPS. He has mostly been the table-setter this October rather than the guy cleaning up the dishes afterwards, and table setters never get any love from the media (unless your name rhymes with Cheater. Ponder that one.). So Chase, here's the recognition you deserve: Your team is nothing without you.
THE FUCKING BAD
The Tennessee Titans (Or the Houston Oilers)
I'm really not sure which to refer to them as, considering the NFL's confounded me once again with these godawful throwback AFL unis. More on this later. Either way, Titans or Oilers, Tennessee is fucking dreadful. What the FUCK happened to them in Foxboro? That is the most severe example of rape in the snow that I have encountered since Kobe Bryant's trip to the Rockies. Jesus Christ, I think the Titans ingested more of the Patriots' semen than the amount of snow that was on the ground that day.
Football is a funny fucking game, aint it? Roster-wise, the only key losses between these Titans and the 13 win Titans of last year are Albert Haynesworth and what looks like 70 pounds of Landwhale White (I don't care if he loses a third, or even half his body weight. I don't care how much tequila he stops drinking. He will always be Landwhale to me.). What else did they lose? Oh yeah, their ability to stop the pass. Entirely. I mean, they are fucking abyssmal. Every QB they've faced this year has thrown for over 300 yards with the exception of Mark "Dirty" Sanchez. Their 9th ranked pass defense in the NFL a year ago has dropped to...you guessed it...dead last. Let's examine that for a second. The Oakland Raiders have done better at stopping the pass. The St. Louis Rams have done better at stopping the pass. Jesus, Rex Grossman could actually throw it deep against this team. Get Ryan fucking Leaf back in the NFL and tell him that the Titans are in this league. It just might jump-start the fucking AIDS of a career he had. But what does this multitude of suck that is the Titans D begin with? Haynesworth's vacancy. The defense that generated over 40 sacks last year has been miserable at getting any pressure whatsoever to the pocket. Allowing guys like Matt Schaub, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning to stand comfortably in the pocket does not bode well for a secondary already depleted by injuries. Oh, speaking of Peyton Manning...
AMOUNT OF FUCKS GIVEN: ZERO. What the shit is THIS? Jeff Fisher...good lord. A Peyton Manning jersey? This is pretty ballsy. I respect all things ballsy and American, but dude, you gotta get your dickbroom-sporting face the fuck out of Tennessee. You think Titans fans are going to respect you? I don't care where the hell Peyton played college, you gots ta go. If you wanted to wear a Manning jersey, why didn't you wear a Tennessee Volunteers Jersey? Still woulda been funny and woulda gotten the point across. And no one in Tennessee will shun you for donning the orange and white. So....was this bad for the Titans? Absolutely. Was this bad for football?...No. He at least wore the jersey of the respectable Manning...
This brings us to...
THE FUCKING UGLIEST SHIT THAT FUCKING EXISTS IN THIS SHITTY ASS FUCKING SHIT WORLD
Alright, now that I've calmly introduced my next section, let's have ourselves some real talk. I understand that the AFL was important in making football what it is today. That being said, I don't give a SHIT what it looked like thirty years ago! I understand having a turn back the clock week maybe once or twice out of the year...but for FUCK'S SAKE! This is OVERKILL!
STOP. WITH. THE. RETRO. UNIFORMS.
First off...New England. Come on, you Bostonian fucks!! WHY? I suppose as far as the classic uniforms go, these are okay. Not too flashy, not too gawdy, and not really that ugly. But WHY?!? Do you remember the teams you had that wore these abortions of jerseys? No? AND THAT'S FOR GOOD REASON. Maybe you do remember the '85 Pats who are only known for losing to the '85 Bears 46-10 in Super Bowl XX. Why do you WANT to be reminded of that every time these cocky fucks take the field? I mean come on...THIS is your logo?
It's LITERALLY a guy bending over. And I suppose it's fitting, because that's exactly what every Patriots team that ever had these as their official uniforms did. They got raped. My advice? Live in the present. You have 3 Hall of fame shoe-ins with your current team. Remember their era with their ACTUAL uniforms.
This brings me to Denver...oh Denver. I hope that football players aren't as superstitious as baseball players, because they're gonna start to think that they're winning only because they're continuing to wear these horrendous costumes. I took a shit last week and thought that Kyle Orton was staring back at me through the toilet bowl.
How fitting is that facial expression? It's not only pretty similar to the face I make when I dump, but it's also the one I'd be making if I were forced to wear this shitpiss display of fuck. Good god, these are awful. I don't care what teams looked like 30 years ago anymore, NFL, we fucking get it. There is a reason teams look the way they do now. It's because we have PROGRESSED beyond these eyesores (The lone exception being the Seattle Sea-cocks slime green alternate jersey. OOF.).
THE STRANGE
Whooooa there's a curve ball. Betcha didn't see that one coming. It's normally just the good, bad, and the ugly. The fact that I'm incorporating The Strange with Good, Bad, and Ugly is strange in and of itself. Deeeeep, man. But I gotta address something here. It turns out that pigeons are natural enemies of eagles. Take a look.
This bird is punk as fuck. I would never not feed it a bread crumb or french fry if I encountered it on the street. But this is a serious matter, really. For too long, pigeons have been victimized by eagles. I see this as nothing more than a passionate retaliatory statement for all of pigeon-kind. VIVA LA REVOLUCION DE LAS PALOMAS!!! Let it be known, birds! Pigeons will no longer be pushed around! Not by eagles at least! Not like before..... I can't embed this video because the people who filmed this video clearly found it too disturbing and tragic for sharing purposes. But here's a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgZ3IdMkj-w
Alright, that video was boring. I'm sorry. But you get the point. The tyranny is over, the pigeons won the war. Cuz come on, do you really think the Raiders won that game by themselves? I thought so. Moving on...
THIS WEEKEND
Alright, NOW you can get on me for slacking and being lazy, because I'll make this quick. I'm gonna do my weekend picks by way of the Gay generic loudmouth combover retard pregame show panelist. Here are 3 picks in games that could go either way, followed by my upset special. Here goes.
Chicago beating Cincinnati
Houston beating San Francisco
Philadelphia beating Washington
AND DUN DUN DUN....
Miami beating New Orleans
HEY here's a bonus. Just cuz I can.
Pittsburgh beating Minnesota.
That's it for me, fucks. Post this blog everywhere so I can go back to being an asshole instead of a begging whiny bitch. Thanks.
