CUZ WERE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE!
Yeah asshole, that means you. That means me too. It means your mother, your dog, your Aunt Sadie, and the girl with the big rack but lazy eye that rejected you to be her prom date even though you just asked her with intentions of dumping her if the girl you REALLY liked said yes. Every single one of us is fucking dead because the world is going to end as we know it. I mean, it's the only logical explanation for the following:
1) It's October- and Alex Rodgriguez is batting .455. Good job, A-Roid. It only took you a decade of 26 million dollar years to learn that just because the weather gets cold doesn't mean your bat has to. Well done.
2) It's October- and the Angels just bent over the entire city of Boston and shoved a rally monkey wearing a halo into its cornhole. Prior to this series, Boston had enjoyed its share of stuffing the Angels' celestial cornhole, beating them 12 out of the last 13 post-season meetings (or meatings). This all changed when Anaheim played a series where they pitched their first ever playoff shutout, hit in October like they have all season, and best of all for them....
2a) Jonathan Papelbon completely collapsed under the weight of his own douchebaggery and actually allowed not one, not two, but three runs in the postseason, and at home. Thus ends the idiotic Boston fanboy boasts and cues the even more idiotic Boston fanboy excuses for losing. Sigh....I look forward to these. Keep 'em comin', New England.
3) The Denver Broncos are 5-0.
Actually, you know what? fuck this. Let's go back a second. Eat a dick, Boston. Suck the least clean area of my genitalia. How can the baseball world NOT be satisfied with your loss? I mean, look at the guy who blew the save/season for you. Let's take a gander.
Clearly you COULD be stopped Jonny-boy. Clearly you could. And what the hell is with those goggles? How in God's name is this hayseed hillbilly cock gobbler allowed in public? Am I listening to an all-star pitcher being interviewed, or am I listening to the poster child for inbreeding? And the riverdancing....oh lord, the riverdancing. What a classless, cousin-humping, closet case. Oh, and how about the overbearing fist-pumping celebrations coupled with a redneck hoot 'n' holler over saves he'd get in May, after allowing two baserunners and ending the inning with a pair of fly ball outs? WOW. Way to go, Jon! What an effort. Ya really earned the right to shout "King of the World" from the deck of the S.S. Retard. God, I'm glad I don't have to deal with you anymore this season. Get fucked, dude. Get fucked.
(And speaking of douchebag closers, how sweet is it that Brian Fuentes is in LA to get two saves in the series instead of that insufferable K-Rod? Saccharin-sweet. It's almost fattening.)
It was also incredible to see Dustin Pedroia get the last out. You talk about your egos....phew. How's your big brother Brett doin', Dusty? In jail yet? Maybe he shoulda been more concerned about your team bending over the Angels instead of bending over little boys. Now I know where the P, E, D, and O in the name Pedroia come from. Oh man, what's this family dinner conversation gonna be like?
Daddy Pedroia: Well son, did you win?
Dusty: No dad, Jonny blew the save. We lost.
Daddy: Wasn't it a home game? Didn't you guys have last at bat? Why didn't you come back?
Dusty: Well, I made the last out. I wasn't inspired to hit off of a non-asshole closer.
*Silence. Eating.*
Daddy: Eh, whatever. Just means both my sons are queers.
Mother Pedroia: *stares blankly and lifelessly at the wall*
3) The Denver Broncos are 5-0
I will go on record and say that there is absolutely no one, and I mean NO ONE who could have predicted this. And if you say you did at the water cooler tomorrow, I will personally fly to whatever city you work in and shove a cheese grater up your ass. Seriously. When does this ever happen? When does an organization that does all but commit suicide in the offseason EVER come out of the gates a winner? With the rumored attempts to snag Matt Cassell which drove franchise QB Jay Cutler out of town, and Brandon Marshall(or TO 2.0) intentionally batting down passes at training camp, people wanted Josh McDaniels gone before he ever coached a game. Now look. They're basically four or five wins away from making the playoffs in a year that should have been doomed from the start. Keep in mind, they still get to play Oakland again as well as Kansas City twice. So barring a mid or late-season disaster, we will witness the continuing trend of rookie NFL coaches making the playoffs. Astounding.
4) They let fucking zombies into the NFL.
And this is how it's gonna happen folks. This is how we're all gonna die.
Seattle Seahawks fullback Owen Schmitt is now a zombie. Miraculously, he did not bite anyone during the game, but we figure it's only a matter of time. It is at this point I urge everyone to grab the nearest torch, chainsaw, pitchfork, or whatever the fuck is near you. It's time for us to channel our inner Woody Harrelson and KICK SOME ZOMBIE ASS. EVERYONE NEEDS TO.....wait, hold on.
Okay upon further research, Owen Schmitt is actually not a zombie? That massive head wound was actually self inflicted in a pregame warmup??? For those of you who don't believe me...
Okay, this is the best thing I have seen since the Gus Frerotte head banging fiasco. This is the manliest shit that has ever happened on a football field. Pregame, in-game, postgame, it doesn't matter. This fucking wins. This is...this is fucking American. This is why steroids needs to be allowed in every sport. Fuck, this was just one beer chug at the 50 yard line short of being the manliest thing to happen in HISTORY. This is the opposite of Jonathan Papelbon. Owen fucking Schmitt, if the world does in fact inevitably plummet into a fire and brimstone abyss, I want you on my fucking team. Just please, don't eat me.
If we're all alive next week, I'll write another blog. Til then...watch your cornhole, society.
