Halloweens over, remove your costume (unless youre a hot slut)!

Tight End Wide Receiver

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Welcome back to another installment of Hog's Blog. I just gotta start out by saying Holy pumpkin fuck and Cock-gobblin Goblins, I am hung the fuck over from Halloween. Jesus Christ, what is it, Thursday? Friday? Still hung the fuck over. Despite this, I stand by my belief that bowls of candy mixed with kegstands is a winning combination. Mother-fuck, dude. What a fuckin night. I went to some parties where there were sluts, I went to some bars where there were sluts, and I woke up on a couch bed in a cheap apartment next to a slut. I'm Hog slut-fucking McGerk. Get fucked.

But even as we're half-way into the week succeeding The Festival of Sluts, there are still a select few people who are unwilling to part ways with their costumes. If they're sluts, then I have no issues with this. If they aren't ( like the people I'm about to mention) then they should consider moving onto another holiday at least.

To the following players: REMOVE YOUR COSTUMES! SHOW US YOUR TRUE SELVES!

But not you, Martin St. Louis and the rest of the Tampa Bay Lightning! you've displayed quite enough of your true selves! Keep whatever costumes or clothes you have on your bodies at all times! You might be a bunch of gay sluts, but the only gay sluts I like are gay GIRL sluts. The kind of gay girls that make out with each other and then make out with my piggish dong. Then beerglomph* it.

Anyways, I love hockey. I think it's one of the manliest sports out there. It's bone-jarring and bloody. It's malicious and intense. It's instinctive and intellectual (fans and Canada excluded). So Mr. St. Louis, WHY do you have to taint a sport that holds such American ideals by stripping on ice for a pile of your sweaty, cock-hungry teammates?



I do not CARE how pitiful your team has been in shootouts this year. I do not CARE if it's lightening the mood of the Lightning. It's bad enough that group hugs with kissing after goals is still somewhat existent in the sport. So why, NHL, do you allow your perfect concoction of brutality and manliness to be diluted by pussy things like strip shootout and Sidney Crosby? Sigh, i just don't get it. Something's gotta change.

And Manu Ginobli. Not only are you guilty of wearing a Halloween costume for too long, but it's also been over a year since The Dark Knight came out. The whole obsession with The Joker is OVER. So stop killing bats!





Honestly, Manu, as badass as this may have been, you gotta put an end to this. It was mind-numbingly annoying a year ago when every fuckhead in America was uttering "why so serious". Adopting The Joker's mannerisms are still just as annoying a year later. You may as well just buy yourself a make-up kit, green hair dye, apply for a job at Hot Topic, and get used to your good friends mercifully beating the fucking retarded painted red grin off your face. Heath Deadger must be rolling in his grave....what, too soon? Oh fuck you, Heath woulda laughed.

Lets see...what else? Oh yeah. Packer fans will tell you that purple is the most horrendous color any person could wear on not just Halloween, but on any day. Some people may think that Brett Favre has been wearing a costume all year, and I'm in agreement. What's more scary to me, however, is not his perceived Viking costume. It's his "Young Brett" costume. Over the course of the past 2 seasons, I have LOVED taking a shit on Brett Favre. I mean, why not? He shat on himself too, so why's it bad for everyone else? But in 2009, after yet another unbearable "is he or isn't he gonna play" offseason, and after provoking a passionate "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE ALREADY" from across sports nation, I will say this about the fucker now:

Nothing. That's right, nothing. My mouth and my snout are shut. It's one thing to say that Brett is playing at an unforeseeably high level, and that he's reminding the NFL of the Brett of old, but ...I can't even bring myself say that. He's not wearing a "Young Brett" costume, because Young Brett has never had a season like this. Young Brett, despite his success, never threw less than 13 interceptions in one season. Although he would make play after play with unrivaled intangible qualities, he frequently found a set of hands belonging opposing teams. But not this year. Brett is on pace for throwing 32 touchdowns to only 6 interceptions, which would give him the best TD/INT ratio of his storied career. Couple that with being at the helm of a team that possibly wins 12, 13, or even 14 games this season, and you have a guy who's only dressed as one thing. The MVP. Despite all of the offseason drama, and the soap opera he turned the NFL into, Brett has talked a LOT...but has backed it up so far. If the season ended today, Brett Favre is the unrivaled MVP of the NFL. BUT! There is still half a season left to go. So Brett, please. take off your costume, cuz that wasn't fun. I'd rather write about the old miserable redneck fart who throws 22 picks per year in the twilight of his career. Also, you aren't a hot slut for me to put my Pig Benis in. So please, carry on and stop playing dress up....

ALRIGHT! Here are my picks for Sunday!

New England beats Miami
Miami had a season-changing victory over the trash-talking Jets last week (P.S. Rex Ryan, please inform Bart Scott that trash talking usually occurs BEFORE you play a team, and not after you lose to them.), but I don't trust they have another one against a team led by a Bill Belichick that's had 2 weeks to prepare for you. Pats win.

Philadephia beats Dallas
Fuck the power rankings. Dallas doesn't beat anyone notable, especially when it matters. This week will prove no different. Philly's elite pass rush and secondary will force Tony Romo to make great decisions with little time to do so. I'm not gonna hold my breath...

San Francisco beats Tennessee
Chris Johnson will have a true test this week. After Arizona decided to not show up last week against Carolina, the 49ers have replaced them as the leagues top rushing defense, allowing only 3.2 YPC. And I'm sorry....after the abortion of the Titans defense let MoJo go 80 yards to the house TWICE last week...I just don't see them keeping the Niners out of the end zone too often on Sunday.

San Diego beats New York (N)
San Diego's playing confident. Playing the Raiders twice will do that to a team. Eli's NOT playing confident. 7 turnovers and a sub 50% completion percentage over the last 3 games will do that to a (gay) QB. I expect the streaks to continue this week.

Baltimore over Cincinnati
Ray Rice burned the Bengals for over 140 yards out of the backfield last time these teams met. He aint the first RB to kill the Bengals this year by catching the ball. I see this happening again. I also see a talented receiving corps led by a Mr. Eight Five to continue burning the weak Ravens corners. And oh yeah, Carson Palmer is at his peak again, and is 7-3 lifetime against Baltimore. He'll continue to be a thorn in their side. Luckily for Baltimore, their front 7 should get to Palmer frequently and be strong enough to take the weight off Foxworth and Washington's shoulders. The teams only combined for 31 points last meeting, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a shootout in Cinci with Baltimore on top.

Indianapolis over Houston
Joseph Addai loves what the Houston endzone tastes like, and Peyton Manning is gonna give a defense fits, no matter who they are. But if Addai gets going? It's curtains. And with Houston's benching of a struggling Steve Slaton and their loss of Owen Daniels for the year, they just don't have the offensive firepower to match Indy tit for tat this game.

Seattle beats Detroit
Pffffftttt hahahahahahha

Jacksonville beats Kansas City
I'm excited to see what Jamaal Charles can do now that he gets a chance to start. But thats pretty much all that excites me about this. Moving on...

Green Bay beats Tampa Bay
The Bucs are due for a win, but not this week. Aaron Rodgers will take out his frustration from another loss at the hands of Favre on a defense that will not have a prayer.

Atlanta over Washington
Sherman Lewis called for Jason Campbell to hurl the ball 43 times against the Eagles last week, and the Falcons have been prone to allowing quite a few 300 yard passers this year. But of course, none of this matters because the Redskins have no offensive line. Next.

Chicago over Arizona
It's a battle over the Jekyll and Hyde teams! Which will show up? FUCKED IF I KNOW, but I'm gonna go Chicago. Arizona's typically had AIDS against teams not in the NFC West, and an unhealthy Anquan Boldin will not help Kurt Warner's chances of bouncing back from a 5 INT game. I don't expect Matt Forte to have the fantasy game this week like everyone wants him to, despite what fantasy owners with hard ons have to say. There's no way the Cards get stomped on that badly with the ground game. And if they do, it's not gonna be to an overall slumping Forte.

Pittsburgh over Denver
Oh i like this game. I like it a lot. It's just what I like to watch. Hard fought, ugly, defensive battles. They're also the worst games to call. In defensive struggles, only one big play has to happen to separate the two teams. Where this will happen, I have no idea. But I'm gonna go with Pittsburgh because Denver most recently gave a performance about as ugly as their AFL uniforms to a Baltimore team very similar to the Steelers.

UPSET SPECIAL

Carolina over New Orleans
I'll get one thing straight. The Saints are the best team in the NFL, and they will probably win a hard fought divisional game at the hands of their rivals. BUT! Here are some interesting points that ya cant ignore. The productive tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart have started to get on a roll, and the Saints will have a tough time slowing them down with the absense of DT Sedrick Ellis and LB Scott Fujita ("Fujita" pronounced as similarly to "vagina" as possible). Carolina will have to milk the clock with a consistent running game to keep Drew Brees and company off the field as long as possible. Against the Saints, the best defense is a good offense. Carolina's ground game has the capacity to really fuck things up for them.

So yeah, there are my picks. I'm sorry for slacking again. I've been really sick lately(not swine flu, that'd be just too ironic. oink oink.) and also way hungover from Halloween. So to repent, here is a picture and lesson we can all benefit from



Goodnight. I'm Hog McGerk. Oh, I almost forgot.

*Beerglomph (BEER-glomf)
-verb.

The act of pouring beer on an erect penis, succeeded by the act of slurping it off.

"Yeah bro, I got beerglomphed last night...sorry about your couch."
Origin: Pig-Latin.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (or cliche blog title, Version 3.0)

I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am." -Homer Simpson

If you were one of the thousands who looked at my blog page earlier this week, all giddy with anticipation, only to find no new entry, then I'll make an exception to the aforementioned mindset I've adopted as my own. I extend an apology. It's not because I've been slacking, I'm just new to this whole blogging shit (I mean, seriously. Only n00bs start off essays with quotes). I figured that instead of doing it early in the week, I'll do it later in the week so I can not only recap Sunday's events, but also look forward to the upcoming weekend's games.

Alright, now that I got that gay shit out of the way, I've got a world of shit I need to inform you bastards about. So let's fuckin' talk. I'll start with the fucking good.

THE FUCKING GOOD
Chase Utley is fucking good. Philly fans typically don't show many players the love they deserve, and although this motherfucker has gotten tons of praise in the city he plays for, he hasn't gotten enough. The Phillies have enjoyed an almost flawless post-season with newly heralded contributors such as Carlos Ruiz and Cliff Lee. But still, not enough love is going to Utley. Utley has done just about everything for the Philadelphia sports world except QB'ing the Eagles to a Super Bowl. Oh...Philly's had that happen before? You wouldn't know it from the way they treat their man under center...

(PS...to you fucking loudmouthed ignorant cheesesteak-glomphing assholes: I don't care how many times the Raiders beat you or how many times Donovan calls a "4th timeout" in a half, or claims he isn't aware of overtime rules, don't you ever boo that man again. If having the toughest QB in the NFL (that's right, Brett, I said it) isn't enough for you liberty bell crackheads, then maybe you should demand a trade for Ricky Williams: the man you dumbass Rocky ball-lickers wanted to draft in the first place. How's that name sound now, ya trashy fucks? Think about it.)

So anyways. With a 1st inning walk in tonight's game against the Dodgers, Utley has quietly tied Boog Powell's all time postseason record for longest streak of reaching base. On top of that, he has a staggering .472 on-base percentage and .920 OPS. He has mostly been the table-setter this October rather than the guy cleaning up the dishes afterwards, and table setters never get any love from the media (unless your name rhymes with Cheater. Ponder that one.). So Chase, here's the recognition you deserve: Your team is nothing without you.

THE FUCKING BAD

The Tennessee Titans (Or the Houston Oilers)

I'm really not sure which to refer to them as, considering the NFL's confounded me once again with these godawful throwback AFL unis. More on this later. Either way, Titans or Oilers, Tennessee is fucking dreadful. What the FUCK happened to them in Foxboro? That is the most severe example of rape in the snow that I have encountered since Kobe Bryant's trip to the Rockies. Jesus Christ, I think the Titans ingested more of the Patriots' semen than the amount of snow that was on the ground that day.

Football is a funny fucking game, aint it? Roster-wise, the only key losses between these Titans and the 13 win Titans of last year are Albert Haynesworth and what looks like 70 pounds of Landwhale White (I don't care if he loses a third, or even half his body weight. I don't care how much tequila he stops drinking. He will always be Landwhale to me.). What else did they lose? Oh yeah, their ability to stop the pass. Entirely. I mean, they are fucking abyssmal. Every QB they've faced this year has thrown for over 300 yards with the exception of Mark "Dirty" Sanchez. Their 9th ranked pass defense in the NFL a year ago has dropped to...you guessed it...dead last. Let's examine that for a second. The Oakland Raiders have done better at stopping the pass. The St. Louis Rams have done better at stopping the pass. Jesus, Rex Grossman could actually throw it deep against this team. Get Ryan fucking Leaf back in the NFL and tell him that the Titans are in this league. It just might jump-start the fucking AIDS of a career he had. But what does this multitude of suck that is the Titans D begin with? Haynesworth's vacancy. The defense that generated over 40 sacks last year has been miserable at getting any pressure whatsoever to the pocket. Allowing guys like Matt Schaub, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning to stand comfortably in the pocket does not bode well for a secondary already depleted by injuries. Oh, speaking of Peyton Manning...



AMOUNT OF FUCKS GIVEN: ZERO. What the shit is THIS? Jeff Fisher...good lord. A Peyton Manning jersey? This is pretty ballsy. I respect all things ballsy and American, but dude, you gotta get your dickbroom-sporting face the fuck out of Tennessee. You think Titans fans are going to respect you? I don't care where the hell Peyton played college, you gots ta go. If you wanted to wear a Manning jersey, why didn't you wear a Tennessee Volunteers Jersey? Still woulda been funny and woulda gotten the point across. And no one in Tennessee will shun you for donning the orange and white. So....was this bad for the Titans? Absolutely. Was this bad for football?...No. He at least wore the jersey of the respectable Manning...

This brings us to...

THE FUCKING UGLIEST SHIT THAT FUCKING EXISTS IN THIS SHITTY ASS FUCKING SHIT WORLD

Alright, now that I've calmly introduced my next section, let's have ourselves some real talk. I understand that the AFL was important in making football what it is today. That being said, I don't give a SHIT what it looked like thirty years ago! I understand having a turn back the clock week maybe once or twice out of the year...but for FUCK'S SAKE! This is OVERKILL!

STOP. WITH. THE. RETRO. UNIFORMS.

First off...New England. Come on, you Bostonian fucks!! WHY? I suppose as far as the classic uniforms go, these are okay. Not too flashy, not too gawdy, and not really that ugly. But WHY?!? Do you remember the teams you had that wore these abortions of jerseys? No? AND THAT'S FOR GOOD REASON. Maybe you do remember the '85 Pats who are only known for losing to the '85 Bears 46-10 in Super Bowl XX. Why do you WANT to be reminded of that every time these cocky fucks take the field? I mean come on...THIS is your logo?



It's LITERALLY a guy bending over. And I suppose it's fitting, because that's exactly what every Patriots team that ever had these as their official uniforms did. They got raped. My advice? Live in the present. You have 3 Hall of fame shoe-ins with your current team. Remember their era with their ACTUAL uniforms.

This brings me to Denver...oh Denver. I hope that football players aren't as superstitious as baseball players, because they're gonna start to think that they're winning only because they're continuing to wear these horrendous costumes. I took a shit last week and thought that Kyle Orton was staring back at me through the toilet bowl.



How fitting is that facial expression? It's not only pretty similar to the face I make when I dump, but it's also the one I'd be making if I were forced to wear this shitpiss display of fuck. Good god, these are awful. I don't care what teams looked like 30 years ago anymore, NFL, we fucking get it. There is a reason teams look the way they do now. It's because we have PROGRESSED beyond these eyesores (The lone exception being the Seattle Sea-cocks slime green alternate jersey. OOF.).

THE STRANGE
Whooooa there's a curve ball. Betcha didn't see that one coming. It's normally just the good, bad, and the ugly. The fact that I'm incorporating The Strange with Good, Bad, and Ugly is strange in and of itself. Deeeeep, man. But I gotta address something here. It turns out that pigeons are natural enemies of eagles. Take a look.



This bird is punk as fuck. I would never not feed it a bread crumb or french fry if I encountered it on the street. But this is a serious matter, really. For too long, pigeons have been victimized by eagles. I see this as nothing more than a passionate retaliatory statement for all of pigeon-kind. VIVA LA REVOLUCION DE LAS PALOMAS!!! Let it be known, birds! Pigeons will no longer be pushed around! Not by eagles at least! Not like before..... I can't embed this video because the people who filmed this video clearly found it too disturbing and tragic for sharing purposes. But here's a link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgZ3IdMkj-w

Alright, that video was boring. I'm sorry. But you get the point. The tyranny is over, the pigeons won the war. Cuz come on, do you really think the Raiders won that game by themselves? I thought so. Moving on...

THIS WEEKEND

Alright, NOW you can get on me for slacking and being lazy, because I'll make this quick. I'm gonna do my weekend picks by way of the Gay generic loudmouth combover retard pregame show panelist. Here are 3 picks in games that could go either way, followed by my upset special. Here goes.

Chicago beating Cincinnati
Houston beating San Francisco
Philadelphia beating Washington

AND DUN DUN DUN....
Miami beating New Orleans

HEY here's a bonus. Just cuz I can.

Pittsburgh beating Minnesota.

That's it for me, fucks. Post this blog everywhere so I can go back to being an asshole instead of a begging whiny bitch. Thanks.

THE WORLD IS FUCKING ENDING!!!

I wish I could be writing this under good circumstances. I really do. But reader, as you keep your eyes glued to this screen for another riveting entry, I suggest you either keep a watchful eye behind you, or grow one in the back of your head. Why, you ask?

CUZ WERE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE!

Yeah asshole, that means you. That means me too. It means your mother, your dog, your Aunt Sadie, and the girl with the big rack but lazy eye that rejected you to be her prom date even though you just asked her with intentions of dumping her if the girl you REALLY liked said yes. Every single one of us is fucking dead because the world is going to end as we know it. I mean, it's the only logical explanation for the following:

1) It's October- and Alex Rodgriguez is batting .455. Good job, A-Roid. It only took you a decade of 26 million dollar years to learn that just because the weather gets cold doesn't mean your bat has to. Well done.

2) It's October- and the Angels just bent over the entire city of Boston and shoved a rally monkey wearing a halo into its cornhole. Prior to this series, Boston had enjoyed its share of stuffing the Angels' celestial cornhole, beating them 12 out of the last 13 post-season meetings (or meatings). This all changed when Anaheim played a series where they pitched their first ever playoff shutout, hit in October like they have all season, and best of all for them....

2a) Jonathan Papelbon completely collapsed under the weight of his own douchebaggery and actually allowed not one, not two, but three runs in the postseason, and at home. Thus ends the idiotic Boston fanboy boasts and cues the even more idiotic Boston fanboy excuses for losing. Sigh....I look forward to these. Keep 'em comin', New England.

3) The Denver Broncos are 5-0.

Actually, you know what? fuck this. Let's go back a second. Eat a dick, Boston. Suck the least clean area of my genitalia. How can the baseball world NOT be satisfied with your loss? I mean, look at the guy who blew the save/season for you. Let's take a gander.




Clearly you COULD be stopped Jonny-boy. Clearly you could. And what the hell is with those goggles? How in God's name is this hayseed hillbilly cock gobbler allowed in public? Am I listening to an all-star pitcher being interviewed, or am I listening to the poster child for inbreeding? And the riverdancing....oh lord, the riverdancing. What a classless, cousin-humping, closet case. Oh, and how about the overbearing fist-pumping celebrations coupled with a redneck hoot 'n' holler over saves he'd get in May, after allowing two baserunners and ending the inning with a pair of fly ball outs? WOW. Way to go, Jon! What an effort. Ya really earned the right to shout "King of the World" from the deck of the S.S. Retard. God, I'm glad I don't have to deal with you anymore this season. Get fucked, dude. Get fucked.

(And speaking of douchebag closers, how sweet is it that Brian Fuentes is in LA to get two saves in the series instead of that insufferable K-Rod? Saccharin-sweet. It's almost fattening.)

It was also incredible to see Dustin Pedroia get the last out. You talk about your egos....phew. How's your big brother Brett doin', Dusty? In jail yet? Maybe he shoulda been more concerned about your team bending over the Angels instead of bending over little boys. Now I know where the P, E, D, and O in the name Pedroia come from. Oh man, what's this family dinner conversation gonna be like?

Daddy Pedroia: Well son, did you win?

Dusty: No dad, Jonny blew the save. We lost.

Daddy: Wasn't it a home game? Didn't you guys have last at bat? Why didn't you come back?

Dusty: Well, I made the last out. I wasn't inspired to hit off of a non-asshole closer.

*Silence. Eating.*

Daddy: Eh, whatever. Just means both my sons are queers.

Mother Pedroia: *stares blankly and lifelessly at the wall*

3) The Denver Broncos are 5-0

I will go on record and say that there is absolutely no one, and I mean NO ONE who could have predicted this. And if you say you did at the water cooler tomorrow, I will personally fly to whatever city you work in and shove a cheese grater up your ass. Seriously. When does this ever happen? When does an organization that does all but commit suicide in the offseason EVER come out of the gates a winner? With the rumored attempts to snag Matt Cassell which drove franchise QB Jay Cutler out of town, and Brandon Marshall(or TO 2.0) intentionally batting down passes at training camp, people wanted Josh McDaniels gone before he ever coached a game. Now look. They're basically four or five wins away from making the playoffs in a year that should have been doomed from the start. Keep in mind, they still get to play Oakland again as well as Kansas City twice. So barring a mid or late-season disaster, we will witness the continuing trend of rookie NFL coaches making the playoffs. Astounding.

4) They let fucking zombies into the NFL.

And this is how it's gonna happen folks. This is how we're all gonna die.




Seattle Seahawks fullback Owen Schmitt is now a zombie. Miraculously, he did not bite anyone during the game, but we figure it's only a matter of time. It is at this point I urge everyone to grab the nearest torch, chainsaw, pitchfork, or whatever the fuck is near you. It's time for us to channel our inner Woody Harrelson and KICK SOME ZOMBIE ASS. EVERYONE NEEDS TO.....wait, hold on.

Okay upon further research, Owen Schmitt is actually not a zombie? That massive head wound was actually self inflicted in a pregame warmup??? For those of you who don't believe me...



Okay, this is the best thing I have seen since the Gus Frerotte head banging fiasco. This is the manliest shit that has ever happened on a football field. Pregame, in-game, postgame, it doesn't matter. This fucking wins. This is...this is fucking American. This is why steroids needs to be allowed in every sport. Fuck, this was just one beer chug at the 50 yard line short of being the manliest thing to happen in HISTORY. This is the opposite of Jonathan Papelbon. Owen fucking Schmitt, if the world does in fact inevitably plummet into a fire and brimstone abyss, I want you on my fucking team. Just please, don't eat me.

If we're all alive next week, I'll write another blog. Til then...watch your cornhole, society.

Week 4 Recap: Niners get Fumbles and Picks, Eli loves Grundles and Dicks

(*DISCLAIMER* Welcome to Hog's Blog. I'm Hog McGerk. I am a douchebag who loves sports. I've yet to post an introductory blog to state more about who I am and what I do, but that will be clarified at a later time. In the meantime, I'll let my first blog do the talking, and you'll get a small taste of what I'm all about. This is a little more "rant-y" than what I'm used to writing, but I think you'll find some substance in it regardless. For now, just take this for what it is, and then I'll get to the boring shit soon enough.)






I’ve seen a lot of gay shit.

And this goes beyond being friends with idiots most of my life and witnessing the comically outlandish displays of testicles.

I’ve seen a lot of gay shit in the world of football also. Let’s recap a little bit.

I’ve seen Terrell Owens cry at a press conference over Tony Romo.

I’ve seen Giants long-snapper Ryan Kuehl comment on “unbelievable muscle tone” of Jeff Feagles’ ass (Seriously. Youtube that shit.)

I’ve seen Chris Cooley in his booty-huggin’ short-shorts that he sported on his first day of ‘08 training camp. I’ve also seen the hilarious picture of his dick next to his playbook that he “inadvertently” posted online (The Redskins fined him, but oddly enough seemed more pissed that he gave away a page of their gameplan than his indecency).
I’ve seen this video:



And those are just a few of the classics. I saw a couple gay things happen this week alone.

I saw the 49ers defense cover the Rams offense like Siegfried covers Roy's face. In jizz.

I saw Brett Favre blink away tears in a postgame interview with ESPN while trying to convince us that he was never out for revenge(Yes, that’s why you stayed retired after a glorious career in Green Bay and never considered returning to the NFL for an archrival just to shit on a city with a franchise who thought that onesuperbowlandthreeMVPsandtenprobowlsandholdingfiveofthemajorrecordsforquarterbacks
andplayingfor16motherfuckingyearsinatownwhereyournamewassynonymouswithGOD was sufficient, right?....Oh WHOOPS! Yeah, this game meant nothing to you, buddy…).

I saw an obscene amount of the color pink. Alright, alright…..it’s justified. Besides, it’s not nearly as bad as the pink bats that MLB players had to use. OOF.

I saw a QB whose name rhymes with Homo run around like a chicken without a head and with an extra chromosome. (Note to Tony: Champ Bailey is pretty darn good. I wouldn’t toss 13 passes towards him, let alone two on the final drive, and in the red-zone. Jus’ sayin).

And despite all this…despite the distractions of pink colors, crying quarterbacks, and names that sound gay, they couldn’t draw my attention away from the gayest gay in the gay NFL, Eli Manning. Just look at this picture LOOK. AT. IT.



The facial expression looks like he’s waiting for Perez Hilton’s crowded anus to fart a pile of cock into his eager mouth. He looks like he wants to wear Richard Simmons’ balls like a goatee. He looks like he’s fantasizing about semen cascading down his chin and throat.

To further portray my feelings accurately and succinctly, I’ll change the format of this article from “essay” to “dialogue between generic NY Giants douche Fanboy and Pissed-Off but Knowledgeable Rant-er”. Fanboy? You have the floor.

Fanboy: Swallow a cock, asshole! Eli is an elite quarterback in this league, and when he comes back from his injury he’s gonna fucking cum in your eye.

Ranter: Yeah, fuck Eli Manning in his gaping anus. He hurt his dainty little heel this week, probably doing something gay. But unlike Achilles, his heel is not his only weakness. His career passer rating index is lower than Jason Campbell, Joe Flacco, David Garrard, Shaun Hill, and Sage Rosenfels(!!!!)*,just to name a FEW. Average PRI is 100. Eli’s at 94. Elite QB my ass.

Fanboy: You’re just fucking jealous that he beat the best team of all time in the superbowl!

Ranter: HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS? That’s incredible. You really must be an expert. I had NO idea Eli Manning singlehandedly beat the ‘72 Dolphins in the Super Bowl. I better check my facts. That’s remarkable. He must have been a sperm at the time.

Fanboy: *glares*

Ranter: Oh, I’m sorry. You must be referring to the ‘85 Bears then? I mean…Eli wouldn’t have been a sperm, so it’s not as big of a feat. But still, for a 3 year old to pull that off is still impressive.

Fanboy: The ‘07 Patriots, you scumfuck.

Ranter: But of course! How could I forget? You should rephrase your points next time. To be fair, I’m legitimately happy the Giants beat the Patriots that year. Seeing Elisha’s (yeah, that’s Eli’s real name. look it up.) pre-pubescent face next to the Lombardi trophy isn’t nearly as bad as a world where every bandwagon Bostonian loud-mouthed fuck doesn’t shut the hell up about 4 titles in one decade capped by a perfect season. But on the other side of the coin, I don’t recall Eli creating massive running lanes, holding a record setting offense to 14 points, or acrobatically holding onto a horrendously thrown ball to the side of his head with the game on the line. Hey, and what about the would-be game winning interception that Asante Samuel dropped? HMMMM it’s funny how you NY fans seem to forget about that…

Fanboy: FUCK OFF

RANTER: SUCK SOMETHING

*Fisticuffs. End Scene.*

But honestly, it’s unfortunate that Mr. Manning has been subjected to taunting and unfair ridicule. After all, he’s a champion. He triumphantly marched down the field against a stout defense in more than one pivotal point of the world’s biggest game, and came out a true winner. Yeah, poor Peyton Manning.

*Source: profootballreference.com